Being a Friend.

“I’m just disappointed, that’s all. I know you’re busy, but I’m just disappointed.”

Again.

I’d just heard that one before, and there it was again, stinging my face. I always apologise immediately. I never try and defend myself first- only later do I explain profusely, defending my ground, trying to make up for it. I am anxious and uptight lest you think I don’t value you enough, strangely relieved you care enough to feel angry, and tired because I am at my wits end.
Sometimes, there’re just not enough words to make up for it. You expect me to be there, to always be there, and sometimes I’m not, or rather, can't.

Today it happened again. Your cold, cold shoulder stung me.

And it makes me wonder, am I not a good enough friend, not a good enough daughter, not a good enough person? Do I have too many friends, do I communicate the wrong signals, or do I have the wrong priorities?

Twenty-four hours. One me. Too many people.

God and family. Then Friends. Then Studies and my service to my community, be it book-writing, community service or church ministry. Are they not in the right order? Priorities are hard.

I always apologise first. Then I try and explain and defend myself, try and tell you that I did try my best and I’m sorry I fell short, that I did my best to reschedule and reschedule so I could be there for the party/outing/chalet gathering/lunch/movie, but sometimes I just can't because there are 3 events to attend to on one night, and only one me. And you are all important so I try to reprioritize but I can only be at one place at one time. And sometimes I try, I try and take a cab so I can split my time and be at two places, and then you ask me why I always have to leave early. I try and explain but it sounds so useless because I see the disappointment in your eyes.

Again.

“Again? How come you always can’t come?"
“ Isn’t this important to you- you mean you can only drop by?”
“You missed my 21st birthday because you had a choir performance, I know- but I’m entitled to feel disappointed right?”
“How come you don’t reply on MSN?”

So many people, so many demands. And I try my best to be a good friend, to be there for people, and to live my life the best way I know how. But there is so much to do, and only twenty-four hours. School, studying, spending time with family, prayer, spending time working on a project to help people with depression and eating disorders, selling Kitesong –still-, meeting friends, spending time with them individually because everyone is precious and how come today there is a regional earthquake and everyone has a problem at the same time, replying to unanswered text-messages, online messages, emails, hand-written letters, keeping people in prayer…

“Woman, I don’t understand. Medical school and all this stuff. How do you cope?”

Most of the time, with prayer, I manage. And then occasionally, more often than I’d like to have, a friend complains howcomeyoudidntcome? wherewereyou? howcomeyoualwayshaveaprojecttodo? Howcomeyoualwayshavetomeetpeople? Howcomehowcomehowcome?

I can’t keep up.

Only the closest of my friends understand. They understand because they know I try my best and we can rest secure in the bond of our friendship. They understand I am human, that when I can’t make it for an outing it’s because I’m at church, or at another outing, or meeting old friends leaving for another country, or meeting people regarding the project, or at a support group sharing experiences with people with eating disorders, or just too darned tired because I’ve to wake up at unearthly hours to travel extra early to school just so I can facilitate morning sharing sessions for our community. They understand and they aren’t disappointed because it also happens that my closest of friends are those who spend large portions of their time helping other people too- so we understand and we let each other breathe. We treasure every minute we have with each other, before we step out into the whirlwind world out there that demands, demands, demands so much of us. When we get together, we just sit and smile in silence. We understand one another's joy and physical tiredness. We never make fun of one another missing outings because we know we each try so hard to make things work. We never blame each other for not showing up. We understand. It’s those relationships, spun on uncertainty, that demand our full commitment so things seem more secure.

But I am human. Twenty-four hours. So many people. One me. Trying.

I wish you understood, understood that I couldn’t go because another friend was performing as the lead actor for a play and it meant a lot that I went to support it; I wish you understood I had to leave early because I was attending the support group, and three girls and two mommies came to say thankyou because of some random thing I’d said, that I couldn’t make it because of my commitment to church on weekends, that I’m sorry I was almost late but a friend was crying and needed to talk. I try to put my family and friends first before serving the community or other people, because that’s the way things should be- right? But sometimes everything wants a piece of you NOW. So many people to call, care for, write to, pray for.

Yes sometimes I can't show up because I am meeting people about the project but can you not see I am not doing this for myself? That from one perspective, what good do I stand to gain from all this? I try to put my family and friends first before serving the community or other people, because that’s the way things should be- right? But sometimes it’s just so hard.

I can’t seem to keep up. So many people.

“That’s why you can only have a few close friends, Wai Jia. Too many, and you wont have time for them all.”

“But I do only have a few close friends. I tell you what's funny, you know, these people who complain... I don't even feel they're my close friends... I dont understand... ”

“Maybe it’s because these people feel you're closer to them than they are to you, and they value you and your friendship. Maybe it's because they feel treasured and want to continue to be affirmed. That’s why they’re disappointed. Otherwise, why would they care?”

Sometimes it feels lonely. Because no one but God sees what a Normal day is, no one but God and my closest friends understand what it feels like to have to be there and present for so many people. Because the world knows how we can be there in person and yet, absent. No one knows the hurt inside when someone casually makes fun that you're not there again, because you've tried your best, youve tried your best, youve tried your darned best.

Twenty-four hours. So many people. One me.

Is there something wrong? What is it.

But I won’t be put down. Everyday is a finetuning process. Everyday I am learning. I just have to keep trying my best, and keep praying for God’s strength to sustain me to fulfill this calling. If it's God's will, then there will always be enough. There will always be enough because his strength is enough.

I can try but I can’t please everyone. But still, by God's grace, I can try.