Some of the girls from the support group have been asking me where I’ve been, as I didn’t show up for the last one due to unforeseen circumstances. I won't be there for the next one wither as I'll be on a mission internship in China. I’ve been meeting people asking me how to deal with their depression, what to do, and if I can pray for them, listen to theis Stories. Today I received a text message from a project team asking if they could interview me regarding my journey with anorexia. I found an email this afternoon from another lady asking me if I would like to participate in a focus-group discussion about eating disorders for another project.
This is it.
I’ve come to the point where I have to make the best decision for myself and this is it.
I’m sorry. I can’t do it.
I have to stop for a while, at least for now.
This is hurting me too much. And I want to make the best decision for myself and the people who love me.
Last week a person I respect very much advised me to stop, too. “Take a breather, Wai Jia. I think you need to stop attending the support group for a while. This responsibility is not yours to bear. I can see how you've reached a point where it hurts more than it helps you. ”
Attending a support group is excellent for anyone who is coming to terms with recovering, or anyone in the process of wanting to. It has impacted many, many lives, and I have seen for myself the beautiful thing it has done for many people suffering, and their families and loved ones. I have seen darkness put into a voice, and released into a group of people who understand, dissipated and released into the world. It is a beautiful thing.
But I have to make the best decision for myself now. It is hard to do.
I have to stop doing these things for a while, stop going back to the place of gauntness and emptiness and hunger. It took me a very long time to find myself and God again, and while I’m still walking this journey, I need some time to just breathe in fresh air again. I can talk about it casually. But put me in a room, with a video, or a conversation going on and on about it… I can’t.
The memories become Black and Real and Alive again, and brings me too far back to a too-close place far too fast, too soon. I have been trying. And I have been crying.
I’m sorry. I can’t do it. I have to stop for a while, at least for now. This is hurting me too much. And I want to make the best decision for myself and the people who love me.
I want to be Fully Recovered first, completely and totally All-Right. And I can’t do it if each time I’m that close, I put myself in a situation where I’m back to that too-close, too-Black place too fast, too soon.
I argued with the person who told me to stop. If I’m Completely Recovered, I should be able to handle this, right? And if Im not, then it should benefit me all the more, right? So what’s the problem?
I didn’t realize one thing. That I am neither fully, Completely Recovered nor –just- beginning to recover. Poised delicately between -almost- being restored and Complete Restoration, I am on a nameless, groundless ground, a place where I neither need a team of cheerleaders nor am ready to take on a suffering audience to preach to. A place where I neither am ready to keep delving into the past nor need to re-live it in the present.
I am on a nameless, groundless ground, where all I need really is fresh air, and a time where I can breathe, feel and love what it means to be All-Right again, where I needn’t be reminded of memories which are Black or Real or Alive. Just some time to myself, to get my bearings right, breathe, feel and love this All-Right feeling again.
Just, some fresh air. Some time out.
I have got better, I really have. But I want to be Fully and Completely All-Right. I really do, I’m almost There, I think. Though There is still some way away. And I need some time off. To find my bearings, breathe, feel, love again without having to remember Black things. I have taken so long to unlearn so many things, and now I just need some time to learn from scratch what it is that I like, what it is that I didn’t know before, who it is that I really am. Is that all right?
Maybe I really do like Ben and Jerry’s. I cant remember how it tastes like. Maybe I really should spend more time to equip myself with more knowledge from my White Place. Maybe I really am too intense and need to unlearn that and learn how to be less so.
Is that all right? I just want to make the best decision for myself. Walk away from the skin that clung onto me like a rash, and find a new place to moult.
And then when Im –finally- there, I’ll truly be able to help. Without fear of turning Black.
The people I met at the support group are beautiful people. I am being so honest right now only because I want you to see also, the reality of this Journey. There are different phases, and I am walking into a different one now.
A friend gave this to me as a gift after he drew it, a comic series. It made me cry, in a Good way. I want to share my present with you:
It spoke to me, in different ways. It made me cry, in a Good way.
... Just some time to myself, to get my bearings right.
Breathe, feel and love this All-Right feeling again.
For myself, for God, and the people who love me.
That should be All-Right.
Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment