Surprises.

I thought I would be deeply troubled, but I awoke with a White lightness, a sudden lifting of my spirit. I thought I would be hurt, but I discovered a White freedom. I thought I would be mad at God, but instead, all I feel is more and more of God's love touching my heart, reaching deep into my soul and calling me by name. I rest my head on God’s bosom, and feel his fingers run through my hair.

How beautiful it is- that one can stand strong, and genuinely rejoice even, in the face of Bad news- because He loves those who love Him through humble obedience.

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me... and I too will love him... "

-John 14

This new Incident has made me realize- the importance of our actions, the significance of our actions and the futility of our words.

The Bad News should have left me broken.

But God surprises me all the time.

All I feel, is the warm embrace of God around me, telling me how much He loves me, how precious my heart is to Him. How it was so precious that He couldn’t bear to see it break.

And there is a strange lightness in my heart, in knowing that I came through this test stronger and surer of myself, cherishing myself far far more, and feeling more loved than ever by God. I think I did make a few mistakes, but God's grace is touching me deeply and healing me every day. There is pristine lightness, in knowing that I didn't let myself or anybody else down, that I shortchanged nobody but came all the richer from it, that I fought the right battles and fleed the right situations, and it was worth it.

The Bad News taught me so much, gave me so much.

Ironically, I’ve become more confident in myself, and more secure. Knowing that God preserved my heart through it all assures me of His love for me, assures me of the choices which I made, assures me of my better judgement and to trust it, now and always.

Ironically, I’ve become bolder, too. I used to put myself at a distance from men lest they turned out to be Bad. Now I see how I no longer need to fear, because as long as one puts one faith and identity in God alone, one will always stand strong. No matter how Bad the men may turn out to be, however Fallen they might be, God will strengthen one’s heart and steady one’s feet for the worst. Now I see I'm even clearer and surer of what I want and don't want, and of my own worth.

Ironically, instead of finding myself dealing with grief from a seeming loss, I find myself rejoicing in the gains that God blessed me with through it all. I lost little, but gained much, much more. I lost, because I, too, am fallen, but I gained more because God's grace gave me the strength to love and obey Him.

I woke up with such an effervescent lightness. Songs were bubbling from my soul at dawn. There is an abounding joy in my spirit, in knowing that I emerged largely unharmed, because God shielded me. God’s wing shielded me, because His grace gave me the strength to obey His whisperings to me to guard my heart, and to save it first for Him. There is a pristine lightness and an indescribable freedom, for I no longer have to struggle between measuring possibilities and considering the future- because it's finished. My initial impression was correct, my judgement not too harsh. This part of the Story is over, and oh, what great relief there is in my soul. What joy.

The heavy chains which yoked my heart, tugging and nudging at it as if like a warning message from God, have risen like White balloons into the skies.

I now see, for my very self, how the consequence of feel-good, worldly fun can imprison one with heavy shackles, can cause one to lose so much. And I now see, for my very self, how restraint and obedience can set one free. For all the times I chose to kill my flesh to take the harder path, I now know that it was worth it. For one, I know this freedom this morning has a reason for it.

-God's love.

And as I remember the Good that came out of this, I put my hands up to rejoice, in the love that God had and has for me. I feel His warm, fuzzy embrace envelope me, even as I seek forgiveness for the times I strayed from the harder path, because every day, I prayed for guidance and yieldedness. Those prayers didn’t go to waste.

Just as I stood in awe of His grace and love for me as I travelled to the hospital on the train this morning, I received a text message from a friend. “Look for me at the train station when you arrive.”

I did, and found an angel of God's love awaiting me.

“I made this for you. Breakfast.”

I was handed a brown paper bag.

Homemade egg sandwiches and Milo and serviettes in a cute doggy bag at seven in the morning.

A friend, on the way to somewhere else, was oblivious to what I had gone through. We hadn’t seen each other for weeks. It was seven in the morning.

Surprises, again. How God always does. In different, often unpredictable ways.

God's love comes in different shapes and sizes, at all times of the day.

And so the love and grace of God followed me through the day as I worked, ate and studied. It rained on me like a rushing waterfall- I couldn’t escape it. I found His love in the patients who said the most special things to me, in yummy egg sandwiches on a cold, hungry morning, and most of all, in the unexpected freedom and joy in my heart, that He rewarded my obedience to Him.

I learnt so much through this- to trust myself, to trust God, and that love comes in small packages and deeds from the heart. I also learnt- to love myself. Because it is God who determines our worth, and not the things which others do to Disappoint us.

When we bring God into the picture, we are always Surprised. So wherever you are, whatever you’re feeling, bring Him back. Bring Him back.

Because He loves you, too.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
- Romans 8:28