Bounce Back from a Brawl

Three steps to makeup sex

Fighting is easy. Too bad making up isn't. Who wants to replay all that stuff that pissed you off in the first place? Much easier to sweep the rage under the rug and leave it there — until next time. But the postclash repair process is probably the most important part of the fight because it forces you to work together to understand each other. That may in turn solidify your relationship, says Daniel Wile, Ph.D., author of After the Fight. Try this three-step plan for settling your next spat and you'll wind up holding hands — not grudges.

Step One

Establish a "ready" signal. If you force a discussion while either of you is still sorting out feelings, you won't accomplish much, Dr. Wile says. You're still in fight mode and talking now is like drinking orange juice when you have a sore throat — it seems healthy, but it could sting. Let enough time pass so that you're thinking beyond the nasty exchange. The green light can be as simple as plunking a fake flower in an empty vase, as zany as e-mailing each other with the subject line "kung pao," or as straightforward as a face-to-face "Let's talk." When each of you has sent the signal — or said the words — the forum is officially open.

Step Two

Make bodily contact. According to a 2005 study in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, physical contact raises blood levels of the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and makes you feel connected. So — even if it's the last thing you want to do — initiate a hug. Even sitting on the same side of the table or nestling against each other on the couch nudges you out of the fight zone and closer to fix-it mode.

Step Three

Consider his POV. When you're both ready to reconcile, avoid repeating rants from the fight. It'll land you back in another bickerfest. "The recovery conversation works only if you approach it from a different angle," Dr. Wile says. You don't have to pretend that you're okay with him grabbing dinner with a client and not calling you. But considering his point of view will ultimately soften his defense. Remember high school physics? For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction: If you concede just a bit, he'll do the same.