Since the incident, and a period of avoiding cycling because of the emotional sting, it was difficult to ride with my cycling friends again, who’ve become so strong and fast because of their 4am-7am cycling regime 3 times a week. D, whom I affectionately call Batman, and J have persistently been inviting me for rides.
“I don’t think I wanna join yall tomorrow,” I said, with regards to the public holiday round-island 80-kilometre ride, “I’ll be too slow and I’ll get left behind by the pack.”
“Hey, if you don’t ride with us tomorrow, I’ll hunt you down and burn you alive,” said Batman. That’s just his affectionate way of speaking.
Over the months, Batman and J have become so fast that they’re always leaders of the pack. Yet, they’ve always shown me much love and concern, always looking out for me and teaching me ways to improve. So I agreed to ride, but was so slow at one point that I could see no one in sight.
It was then that I felt discouraged. I felt lousy-my brake pads were rubbing against my wheels the whole time because it was faulty and no one could fix it- so I rode 80 kilometres against resistance. The fast and strong will always leave the slow and weak behind, I thought. Cycling is teaching me the realities of life. I felt cheated by my friends who kept assuring me that I would be able to keep up. I felt crummy that they had gone ahead and dropped me. I remember reminding myself of the stark realities of life- that at some point, everybody has to go it alone, and the slow ones will always lose out. I remember feeling defeated because I had been determined to find Joy in riding again after the Incident. And it was just at point where the sun was scorching and my legs were burning and my emotions were at an all-time low and I felt the tears building behind my eyes that Batman suddenly came from behind me, “Ey, we were waiting for you back there."
We rode on, with myself relieved and burning with shame that I thought he had left me behind. But it was only much later when we got wind that J was miles behind, because she had been waiting for me at a gas station and hadn’t seen me pass her. As Batman and I waited at the bus-stand for her, he said, “You gotta push yourself more, Wai Jia. You not gonna improve if you don’t push yourself.”
With my emotions all over the place, I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. “My brake pads are faulty today, D- Im riding against resistance,” I muttered.
“Then CHANGE YOUR BIKE! When are you going to CHANGE YOUR BIKE!”
It was then that I had to turn away because the tears just gushed out like a waterfall. I realized, that at the end, I was, am still human. Just as how I am 100% convinced that giving my new bike up for Alisha was what God wanted me to do, I became 100% aware of my human-ness and pain of losing it. Waiting at the bus-stop for J, I was angry that I was so slow, angry that my brake-pads were faulty and couldn’t be repaired because repairing them would cost more than half the cost of my bike since my bike cost $350, angry that I had caused Batman and J to slow down so much because of me. They are riders in the professional league- and I had deprived them of a perfectly great ride. I was angry, because for all my determination to enjoy my present bike, I realized that the decision –still- hurt. Later, when Batman found out about Alisha, he said, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
J came, she smiled. And we rode on. I was very silent, and put on my sunglasses so she wouldn’t see my tears. She’s been a dear elder sister to me, always believing in me and encouraging me in all my endeavours.
When we finally got home, she wouldn’t let me go. “If you don’t tell me what upset you today, I won’t run or cycle with you anymore.”
I laughed in between tears. “That’s like a death threat!” J and I train together 3 to 4 times a week, and meet up for dinner occasionally.
“Yea, I mean it.”
So I told her about how bad I felt about them waiting for me, about how painful riding –still- was to me. I felt stupid, because surely I would seem like a fool to have made a sacrifice and now feel the pain. To which she paused, and said,
“Wai Jia, firstly, I want to tell you that what you did with your bike money was a great thing, okay? If you asked me, or anyone else for that matter to do something like that, I don’t think we would have been able to do it. In fact, this is something you should be proud of.
Secondly, yes, how well you ride is partly about how good a bike you have. But more impostantly, it depends on your legs. Ride, keep riding. I know you have this phobia of being slower than us and hence you’ve avoided some rides with us. But if you don’t ride, it’ll become a vicious cycle. The reason why we keep asking you, over and over, is because we enjoy riding together. If we weren’t prepared to wait for you, why would we be so persistent to ask you week after week?
Thirdly, waiting for you is no big deal. I got to meet some nice people because of that today. It was refreshing. So I don’t want you to feel bad okay? What’s important is enjoying the journey. Keep riding, ride with us.”
Silence.
“Sounds like I’m lecturing you, eh?” We laughed, even though I was in tears by then.
“Thanks J. ”
I learnt, that in this long journey called life, we need one another to enjoy the ride. What’s most important is not how fast or how strong we are, but how much joy we have in the friendships made along the way. J chooses to train with me, even though she’s a marathoner and in a completely different league. Only love can go this far. Batman has his own macho way of showing love, “Ey, don’t make me threaten you. Join us okay.”
Today, we rode again on our weekly Saturday ride. Yes, after 80km yesterday, they were still roaring to go. I was the slowest one. I was so slow that I’d to ride a third of the journey back myself. They rode ahead, only because I feel comfortable riding alone on familiar routes. But I was happy.
Underneath that cloudy sky feeling the wind caressing my fringe and feeling so free and thankful, I had a revelation- that sports, and that self-made ego, had completely lost its hold on me. I realized, that I now enjoy running, cycling and swimming so much more, and perform so much better in each of them because of the relationships God has blessed me with along the way. I would never have learnt how to roadcycle if not for my friends, would never have joined the Joyriders group, and would never have improved so much if it weren’t for J, Batman and many others; When I first met Amos, I could barely swim a lap of freestyle without feeling breathless but because of his continual affirmation, this week was the first time I did 25 continuous laps of freestyle; And if it weren’t for J, who constantly eggs me on in training 3-4 times a week with her and who sets a good example for me by enjoying both the quantity and quality of her food, I would never have made so much improvement in terms of stamina, and Recovery.
It is because of her company, her lavish love for me and her friendship that I will be doing my first half-marathon next week. “I’ll be with you all the way, don’t worry. And I’ll push you too, ha, ” she said, with a twinkle in her smile.
So it's not true that the slow and weak become forgotten and abandoned. That’s what love does- it takes the laws of reality and turns it around. It turns sadness into joy. It makes the long journey worthwhile because of company.
Thank you Batman, and thank you J, for reminding me to ride joyfully, to enjoy every journey we have together. And thank you God, for making the journey, in spite of its ups and downs, so enjoyable, truly, because of the angels you place in our path.
“Blessed is he who has regard for the weak…”
-Psalm 41:1
"In Your prsence is fullness of joy."
-Psalm 16:11
No comments:
Post a Comment