I suppose, Pride can be an insidious thing.
After all, false humility plays a good counterfeit.
When The Professional People said they were ready to work on A Taste of Rainbow whenever I was, I was afraid at first. The next few days were days of great stirring and struggle. They had told me very clearly that for the book to touch and change lives, for it to make a positive impact, I had to be comfortable sharing my story with my loved ones, my friends and... the media.
The media? Like you mean, the whole world?
Right. I should have known. After all, I had spent the past 2 years praying for this book to come to fulfillment.
On one hand, while I was nervous about that, I knew a large part of my dread and fear came from worrying about what would seep into my heart-pride. Pride came before my Fall after Kitesong, and I worried that I would allow it to replay in my life. The suffering which came because of pride was unthinkable, and I didn't want to suffer that way again.
Pride. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with it. That worries me. Pride comes insidiously like the night. Just when you are waving off compliments and shying away from the limelight, the darkness of false humility wraps one like an invisible black cloak.
Someone (a well-known Minister of Parliament actually) once told me personally that false humility was the worst form of pride. At her book launch, a friend had introduced me to her as a writer as well, to which I was speechless and tried to say something humble. It was then when she snapped back quite sharply, "Don't be falsely humble-if you've done it, say it and give thanks." She told me that if I were truly humble, I would acknowledge what was truth, accept what was true and thank God for it. "False humility is the worst form of pride, young lady." She was merciless in her brutal honesty. I remember feeling quite embarrassed.
It was then that I learnt that humility isn't putting oneself down. It isn't dismissing one's talents, gifts or qualities. It is about looking truth in the eye, and acknowledging both the stardust and sawdust, the gold and clay. Charles Spurgeon once said that humility is the proper estimate of oneself. No more, no less.
But it is not easy.
I had an inkling of the challenge of overcoming pride on my first ride on Faith. For so long, on my old bike, I was always last in the pack. Once, on a round-island ride, I cried. Sometimes, I was thrown so far behind I wouldn't see anyone in sight. That day, riding on a new roadbicycle 3 kilos lighter, with gears at least 3 grades better, with at least 3 extra chain rings (10 instead of 7-speed), I was all the way in front, riding with the big boys, enjoying the wind, the speed and the thrill of it all. Even on my best days, I could reach a speed of only 38kmph on my old bike. Faith, when drafting, flew at 45.8kmph on her maiden ride.
Right there in the front pack that day, as the rest of my friends teased me in kind jest about my new-found speed, I could see how pride was just round the corner.
And I was afraid of it.
Last week, a slew of events happened which left me with no choice but to take the bull by its horns and acknowledge that this was a hill I had to overcome in my life. The higher we go, the lower we must be. It is life's greatest paradox. An international organisation approached me to ask if they could reprint Kitesong, my university asked if they could interview me, work on A Taste of Rainbow was going to begin, and I got an offer in a prestigious place overseas- this all happened in my birthday week, where I received lots of gifts as well, so the good news did make me a little giddy.
What do I do in a time like this, God.
It was then that I realised, that gratitude is pride's worst enemy. It is not wrong, or proud to celebrate victory when we hold the deep realisation of God's grace to us, and receive our blessings as gifts, not self-fulfilling goals.
I've had people write to me anonymously before, terribly curt messages about displaying my "achievements" proudly here. While I don't claim to be perfect, and don't wish to make a point of defense, I also think it is not the height of the achievement itself which carries the weight of pride, but the heart behind it. One needs to keep rechecking one's motives, and the attitude and posture one carries in receiving the blessing.
I am happy that A Taste of Rainbow will be published this year and not ashamed to say it. But only because I know how much it represents God's faithfulness to me; I am happy that Kitesong happened, but I know the truth is that it was not me, but God who did it (my mistake, however, came from being carried away by flattery later on); I was beyond happy to share with my friends that I came in 7th for my first bike race on Faith, but only because it reminds me so much of their friendship, grace, patience and love extended to me. 7th is nothing to shout about, but what amazes me is how God can bring the lowly to high places when our hearts are set in the right place, on the right things- especially after a period of suffering.
But you know, things can go terribly wrong too. One's head can swell because of the publicity and appraise one receives and the speed one achieves. Pride comes in when we no longer acknowledge the truth of the matter, that it was the combined effort of many and the grace of God which caused a miracle, and not the self-made man.
I am learning also, that people can say what they want. But it is God we account to. I am learning, that it is not pride when we rejoice in our joys and share our testimonies, as long as we receive our blessings in true gratitude and thanksgiving. How can it be pride to share of what God has done in one's life, especially when you know it has come from a place of real suffering? Yet, how can it be humility to say it with the intention of gaining a better footing in this world, to gain man's approval?
Tis a fine, fine line to draw. And I am learning many things in this time. Does one deny others and God of a beautiful story in fear of the label other people might place on one? Does one clam up and stop sharing victories in fear of pride? Am I proud to take up that interview. Am I proud to say this, am I proud to say that I am, for once, happy now. Happy that I'm healthy, happy that I'm not slow, happy for friends who love me, happy that God has ... finally brought me to a place of favour instead of shame.
I suppose, suffering is humbling, even if it has passed. It helps one to be overwhelmed by gratitude and thanks, of which sharing one's joys and good news becomes a natural outpouring from one's heart. Can I trust myself with that?
I've to be honest to say I've still a long way to go. How can my sinful heart be perfect. But till then, I remind myself that humility isn't putting oneself down. It isn't dismissing one's talents, gifts or qualities. It is about looking truth in the eye, and acknowledging both the stardust and sawdust, the gold and clay. As what Charles Spurgeon once said, humility is the proper estimate of oneself. No more, no less.
And no one, no one, but God, can judge that.
So I won't be ashamed either to share with you the great time we had on race day. Thank you God, and thank you friends-
This race on Faith would not have even been possible without you.
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