I was at a party, and everyone who found out kept saying the same thing to me, over and over. Yes, I am a little scared, but not of the things they spoke of. Yes, I thought, perhaps I was brave in some sense, but not in the way they thought.
I'm not afraid of live cockroaches or spiders, but I'm afraid of hamsters; I'm not afraid of para-gliding, but I'm afraid of driving; I'm not afraid of travelling alone to developing countries in the midst of political stability, and not afraid to walk past rioters burning flags, but I'm afraid of walking home alone through my side door late at night, and of the things weird lonesome characters with lusty eyes and cheap beer tell me; I'm not afraid of the possibility of aftershocks, or post-quake floods at the place where we'll be setting up a mobile clinic, but I'm afraid... ...
... ... of a bad, bad man following me there.
His name is Ed.
It's been an eventful week. What with the start of a three-week vacation before we're thrown back into the meyhem of hospital drama, the intensive, intensive, intensive therapy sessions, and the double-edged availability of time, Ed has been working overtime to try and kill little Anna before she heads off to Sichuan for medical relief work.
Ed is a bad, bad man.
But in spite of all the low tactics which Ed has been using, like seduction ( "Oh look, there's a weighing scale right over there, why don't you walk right over?"), telling lies, or distortion, little Anna is refusing to be defeated.
A few days ago at church, a timely coincidence made her see through the viciousness of Ed's deceitfuless. How ironic it was that on the same day, two different people at church told her entirely different things- "Oh, you look like you lost some weight dear, no?" and " You look like you've put on some weight... that's good!"
This made little Anna very confused.
But as usual, Ed only listens to what he wants Anna to listen to, so he can gain complete control over her life.
Ed made her feel very ashamed because recovery means it can get hard to look at a plate like a normal person. There is one portion here, and one portion there, and oh my goodness, why are they all chanting the same lie Ed tells her over and over.
Little Anna would like to appeal to all well-meaning people trying to help girls married to Ed not to pass comments regarding their weight, because this may pull a thousand unseen triggers, no matter which way the comment went.
Intensive therapy, for me, means good progress is being made. But it also makes Ed more angry, more out-of-control, and I have to fight back twice as hard because his rage knows no boundaries. Ed knows food is not like alcohol or cigerettes or glue or cocaine. He knows I cannot put it away and pretend it no longer exists. There is food on a plate three to six times a day, and Ed is right there with me. It helps when I have meals with good people, people who are normal and who love me. It helps so much.
I kept wondering why the Big and Professional People gave me their full support, complete with banners and streamers and confetti, at my request to join a medical relief team to Sichuan, a place stuck with disaster and trembling with grief, devastation and trauma. Their faith in me brings tears to my eyes. For truly, I am afraid.
Not of the possibility of aftershocks, or post-quake floods, or the fact that we get to bathe only thrice in 8 days and that we'll be staying in tents. But of the devastation of the people, of the pain in their hearts, and... and of Ed, too.
So you see, I'm not brave in the aspect which people think I am because how can one be brave in the face of something one isn't afraid of in the first place? Courage is the triumph over fear. This is not humility, but inaccuracy.
The Professional People aren't afraid of that, though. They tell me they think Ed will stay behind, because unlike the good part of Anna, Ed is mean and selfish and awful through and through. He won't like going to Sichuan, he won't like relief work. And most of all, he won't like seeing Anna living her dreams and helping people and being happy. I know he's unhappy and hopping mad, too- he's been trying to get her down all week this week.
Ed is a bad bad man. He instills fear in people by making them believe they aren't worthy of Love at all.
He's gone too far this time and little Anna is really upset with him. So today, she decided that she had had it and finally asked Big God Up There to please put him behind bars for her so she could go to Sichuan without him telling her how close to Ele he thinks she really is, how much of a failure he thinks she is. Put him behind bars so he can't get out. Put him behind bars so he can no longer put fear in little Anna where it ought not to belong in the first place.
Where fear exists, there can be no love. But where fear is cast out, Love comes in to take its place.
Love, the size of God's heart, comes in to heal the wounds Ed has left behind, comes in to cradle the hurts of others grieving and longing for God, comes in to grow into a plus-sized hug which knows no end.
Little Anna is doing her best to trust in God- that He will keep His promise to protect her from Bad Ed. Because God always keeps His promises, each and every one of them.
Ed is put behind bars now, and I think as little Anna prays each day, she will find more and more comfort in knowing that where God is, Love is. And where Love is, there can be no fear.
Anna is ready to fly. She leaves on early Monday morning.
Anna's going.
And Ed is staying behind.
" There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."
- 1 John 4: 18a
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