God is no where to be found, and yet everywhere if we choose to find Him.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn't even quite explain why. I was just walking through the little corner bookshop my church runs, leafing through books and looking at pretty ornaments for sale when it caught my eye.
It was nothing much, really. But it stopped me dead in my tracks and in that one moment, I felt a thousand dreamed-up Dreams well up within me and felt the swell of yesterday, today and the rest of eternity build up behind my eyes.
It was nothing much, really- just a bible holder hanging off a rack for little kids, the kind which looks like a mini-briefcase so kids don't drop or lose their bibles everywhere and spill an assortment of interesting spreads on them. The handle was a belt of rainbow, and on the cover, was a black-and-white cartoon picture of Noah's ark and an empty coloured rainbow behind it. The little briefcase was packaged with markers, assumedly used to colour in the black-and-white picture on it- though why anyone would trust six year-olds with markers to colour within the lines of a picture on an expensive, brand-new bible holder I will never know, heh.
It was nothing much- just a simple picture of an old stereotypical bearded man with a staff, and smiley-looking zoo animals which all looked like they were posing for a tooth-whitening ad squashed together on a wooden boat which never would have held the weight of half the hippotamus on board it, in front of a rainbow with an arc which would put a compass to shame. It reminded me of the mural I drew and my team painted on the classroom wall of a Cambodian kindergarden 3 years back-that depicting Noah's Ark. And right across the rainbow were the words "God keeps His promises."
Perhaps it's because of that one incident which explains why I will never look at another rainbow the same way again. Perhaps it's because of how and when it happened which explains why it spoke and still speaks so much to me. Perhaps it's what the rainbow signifies in God's Story that stirs up so much within me.
And so today, I just... felt like crying. Because I just realised- that in spite of all I've lost, through depression, anorexia and recovery, I've gained so much more. That amidst the humiliation, I gained humility, and amidst the pain, I gained faith. And in all those times where I wondered where in the world God was, He showed Himself to be everywhere- in people, in situations, in gifts and today, in my healing, in my growing, in my becoming a different person- one I never imagined.
In that moment when I held that kid's bible cover in my hands, I thought about person I have become, so different from that 3 years ago, eight months ago, and even... two months ago. Just different, in thought and attitude, and I'm so thankful. I came to a point where God forced me to let go of everything I ever put my trust in, and in return, as I put more of my trust in Him and less in myself, I gained so much more, grew so much more.
I will never look at a rainbow the same way again. I will never think of one without tears forming in the depths of my heart. And though not everything I had prayed for has come to pass, enough in this time, God's time, has, and because of that, I can look forward to tomorrow.
I often ponder- if water droplets, evaporated from the rain, are everywhere around us, and rainbows are the result of light, split into seven colours from shining at the right refractory angle through rain droplets , then perhaps, illusionary rainbows really are all around us- but it takes the right moment for us to see them, to see God's Promises for us.
Eight months ago I could hardly imagine a way out of the darkness, and just four months back, each day still carried its struggles of its own. But everyday, I am learning, gaining and growing, and today, I find myself free-er than yesterday, more grown-up than yesterday and more secure, more of a Woman, less of a big kid. Because of God and His promise to us, yesterday is different from today, which will be different from tomorrow, too.
Because of God's Promise to me, to us, I can look forward to tomorrow and sing.
Tomorrow, it may rain again, but after the rain has drenched our clothes and washed away our tears, does it surprise us to find ourselves right there standing in the sunshine, waiting with certainty for something so ephereal, transient and illusionary which paradoxically and beautifully represents something as sure and eternal as a Promise?
We've all come a long way from yesterday. And because of God's love for us and His faithfulness to keep His promises, we can look forward to tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow. Looking back on our situations, perhaps it isn't easy to see God anywhere in them- in the storm, where can my rainbow possibly be?
But we forget, that like rain droplets, God is no where to be seen, and yet, like illusionary rainbows, is everywhere if we choose to find Him. Two thousand years ago, when God walked on earth and spent time with His children, even His disciple, Philip, who was with Him everyday, asked the question- Show us God. Where is He?
Perhaps, just like rain droplets and the sky and trees, Rainbows and God's Promises really are all around us- but it takes a special set of eyes and a special heart to see that all this while, He really has been...
... admist us, and Everywhere, indeed.
" Philip said, 'Lord, show us God (the Father) and that will be enough for us.'
Jesus answered, 'Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? ...
Don't you believe that I am in Him... and He is in me..."
- John 14: 8-9
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