I finally understand. After 17 days of hurting and thinking and asking, I finally understand.
It is Day 17 since that fateful day. 17 days since I was put on a wheelchair at the Emergency department because I could neither walk nor stand. I am still hurting now, even while walking.
There were 2 things I could not fathom. One, why my muscle tore, and tore so badly, when God knew my heart was in His hands, when I made so much effort to prioritise my family, friends, church and God above my hobby. Two, why I felt such incredible relief, joy and freedom as I rested from my injury, why I have this unspeakable assurance that God loves me profoundly, when I should be sore at Him.
"Wai Jia, you have the tendency to throw yourself 110% into everything that you do. I think that this is His way of telling you to have more reserve for Him."
There was truth in that. Yet, the incredible relief which came with this period of complete rest surprised and delighted me, in the most unexpected way. How much I enjoyed this enforced break from training intrigues me. I no longer feel like biking, or running. I don't even feel like touching the pool. I've packed my bike away. I have been ushered into a season of rest, of reflecting and journalling, of connecting with people, of considering again what it means to be a responsible steward of the talents and resources I've been given to serve the people around me. Suddenly, I have time to cook for my family, more time to pray, more time to reconsider how I can be a better friend, daughter and person.
I have failed in many ways.
I just don't feel like going for races anymore, not anytime soon, at least.
Why did it have to happen this way, God? Why were you trying to teach me. Did I really displace you from my life again?
After 17 days of walking with a normal but painful gait, I finally understand. The pain was perfect in helping me consolidate my thoughts.
I wrote about this biblical story before, but never saw it in this new light until now.
Many years ago, there was a man named Jacob. He was a good man who really loved God. He was very gifted. But he had a bad habit of leaning on his own strength without trusting God enough, even if what he strived for were righteous things, good things. It was good that he wanted to have his family's birthright (an honorable inheritance), but instead of trusting God, he stole it from his brother, Esau. It was good that he wanted reconciliation with his Esau, but instead of trusting God for restoration, he devised his own plan to placate his brother, divided his army into 2 camps and crossed the river with his own staff so as to avoid a possible death should Esau opt for revenge.
Jacob strived for good things, things which God promised him. Nothing wrong with that. But he did it with his own strength, without trust in or dependence on God's spirit. He devised a plan and crossed the river with his own strength, with his own staff, so as to preserve his life.
One day, when Jacob was left alone, an angel came to wrestle with him. For his own good, God had to pin him down in a place of struggle so he would let go of his own strength. In the fierce tussle, the angel "touched the sinew of his thigh, and forthwith it shrank", and Jacob's strength left him.
The wrestle led Jacob to a place of desperation and struggle, which led him to a place of brokenness (where he suffered a thigh injury) which led, however, to a breakthrough which led to a tranformation, where he was given a new name and a new understanding of God. He named that place where he met God face to face Peniel, which means the face of God.
Before Peniel, Jacob feared for his life. He didn't trust God enough to protect him and relied on his own strength to lean on his own staff. After Peniel, however, with the strength from his hip and thigh gone, he learnt to leaned on God's strength, to trust God more, to rest more in God's spirit.
Before Peniel, he named places and built pillars, symbolising his many ambitions. After Peniel, however, he named places and built altars, instead, symbolising his worship for God instead of himself.
Before Peniel, Jacob said this, and did this and that. After Peniel, it was God who said and did this and that to Jacob.
After 17 days of pain (with more to come), I think I finally understand. That fateful day, I was in Peniel.
Jacob strived for good things, things which God promised him. Nothing wrong with that. But he did it with his own strength, without trust in or dependence on God's spirit. He devised a plan and crossed the river with his own strength on his own staff.
I strive for good things, things in line with God's blessings. Nothing wrong with that. But too often, I do so with my own strength, with insufficient trust in God. That day when I biked, I did so because I was afraid I wasn't sufficiently prepared for the race. I tried to cross my river with my own strength on my own.
Do you have races in your life, deadlines you must meet, projects you need to do, exams you must pass, and do you strive to excel in them? Nothing wrong with that. But do you, like me, strive with your own effort without trusting God to bring you across the river? God revealed to me, that I don't trust Him enough with my dreams, my future, my relationships and my plans. I am always planning, always on the move.
And God, in His love, finally had to say STOP.
Then the angel came and touched the sinew of my inner thigh, and forthwith it shrank. I had to stop. The pain crippled me, reduced me and yet, nothing could help me fathom how thankful I was for the injury.
Because it taught me, that in life, no matter how much we say or think we love God, people, the marginalised, good works etc, we mustn't carry out our acts of good deeds or embark on projects without fully trusting and depending on God. I cannot live my life striving with self-effort. I cannot cross my river with my own strength on my staff. I cannot finish the race by myself.
In literature, angels are God's messengers to intervene in our lives for our good. Perhaps God, in His love, had sent an angel like he did to Jacob to teach me this beautiful lesson.
I realised, that my joy came from knowing what a divinely valuable lesson I am learning from this experience. I learnt, that God loves us enough to stop us when we need to. I learnt, that I desperately need to learn to trust God with all abandon, not only in sports, but in medicine, in missions, in my future and my relationships with people.
Like Jacob, I like taking things into my own hands. I justify it by saying it's what God wants for me. But being touched by an angel reminded me, that I still need to surrender, still need to let go, and simply... let God. I need to stop being such a control freak over my own life.
After Peniel, Jacob, the ambitious deceiver, was given a new name called Israel, which means "he who struggles with God and overcomes". New names symbolise divine transformation. Since that day, Jacob learned to lean on his staff using God's strength, instead of relying on his inner thigh and hip, which symbolised his own strength.
Today is Day 17. The pain had been improving steadily till yesterday when, for some reason, it got worse again. It reminded me to Let Go. It reminded me that this season is a time for me to be transformed in my spirit. It reminded me that life after Peniel shall be different. What is it that I still do not trust God fully in.
Oh God, so many things.
I know, this pain will persist and complete healing will only come when I learn this lesson well. I know, one day, I will finish a race, and it will be with God's strength, not mine.
And I am compelled to rejoice, yes, even in this pain, even when I despair or become discouraged or grow impatient, because I am awed and inspired by the beauty of this reminder, that God allows all things to happen for a purpose, if only we open our hearts to life's lessons, and that He loves us so much that He just wants us to let go, to rest and to trust Him for all of life's challenges, big and small.
Life after Peniel shall be different, indeed.
*This post was inspired by Aunty Ay.
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