" You put yourself out there on the line like that. You think this world is as kind as you think? Okay, you do what you want, I can't stop you. But you're out there, vulnerable, baring your soul... People take advantage of that, you know? You're going to be a doctor. People out there will judge you. Friends becomes colleagues and bosses. People read so much into your life, see the kind of soul you are deep down inside... Who are these people? I just don't want you to get hurt."
So there I was on my knees, crying, thinking about the Tiny Incident which happened today which made me think about this all over again, and pouring myself into God, asking Him to give me enough strength to fill me, and crying more as I realised I had accepted this calling. I had accepted this task of reaching out to people. So hitting a hurdle and getting hurt in the process didn't justify stopping, or quitting, even, because from the beginning, I had accepted it as a call. Like being a missionary. The pang of hurt shot through me in a real way. I thought about the Tiny Incident at school today, and wondered if the Big People were right. That I put myself on the line, at a cost too high for me to bear.
More and more people are visiting this space and some of you, I don't even know. More will come. Some days, I cannot decide which is more awkward, to have friends or strangers read into my soul. But I write, I keep writing, with the Naive and simple faith that this is what I have been called to do. That this has a purpose. Some call it faith, a kind of nobility, sacrifice, stupidity... I just call it a calling. A task I was meant to fulfill, that is all. It is what it is- just like how it was with Kitesong, because I know I didn't have in me to be selfless and self-sacrificial. So I write, I keep writing, still. That is all.
Of course I feel vulnerable. But aren't we all?
That post was a dynamite that exploded in my face, because so many of you have come to tell me how much you disagree with it, or had never looked at it that way before. Still, I hold my stand. And today I understood what Love means, just a little more.
I was there, on my knees, crying, and wiping my tears, when I realised that there is only one kind of love that never fails you. People can disappoint. They can judge, assume and sometimes manipulate your fraility. Sometimes they say things they don't mean because they love you or think they are in love with you, and then you have to forgive them because they didn't mean not to mean what they said when they said what they said.
So I was there pouring out my heart to God, unfolding myself at His feet, when a sense of peace started to seep into me. And I continued to cry because I was so thankful for the one constant in this world- God's love, the Love that never disappoints, never changes, never fails. If this is a calling, and I am fulfilling it, then He will take care of the rest- and of me. I hold on to that rainbow I saw that day, that very special one, and remember what it means in the bible. God's promise. A rainbow is God's promise- A Taste of Rainbow will happen.
It is those who are broken who become strong. To be strong, being broken is a pre-requisite.
I picked myself up from the floor, thanking God for this whole experience and opened my inbox to find an email from a Beautiful Stranger, sent to me today:
Hi Wai Jia,
Although this may sound weird coming from a total stranger, but I felt that I needed to tell you my thoughts. I have been reading your blog (got the blog address from a friend) and I really hope that you would continue holding onto your faiths and beliefs and also reaching out to those who need help.
It hurts a little when I read about how you suffered while being anorexic, because it kind of reminded me of my injury a few years ago and how I tried to live in denial and isolated myself from many others who were concerned but did not know how to show it. It's because, to me, the part which I find the hardest to cope with was when people do try to understand, but they read too much into it and think that they actually understand 100% of it when in reality, they don't. And that made me lonely.
That aside, I was very touched when I read about how you approached the girls who were suffering from anorexia. I was really thankful too, because you did what I wanted to do but never had the courage to take that one step out. Thank you so much =) ...
... It would be a pleasure to meet you someday, and I would like to know if it's possible for me to buy a copy of your book. I am not a Christian, but I really hope that I will be able to read your book. And yes, I like your drawings as well. I think they are great.
All the best and take good care =)
Yours sincerely,
J
Of all days, I receive this email today, when I was on my knees regarding this. Of all days.
Thank you J. Thank you for your email. An online, animated version of Kitesong is on the way, and I will post it here in time to come.
If I had based it on my feelings alone, I would have stopped writing a long time ago. Love is a choice. I write because of God's Love. That is all.
" Where do you find the time and energy to do all these things? Exams coming, you're female lead for this play- don't you ever get tired?"
I am human. Of course I do. But remember the little boy, and his bread and fish? We are that bread, remember? Broken up in God's hands, remember? And when the people were all blessed by it, and filled by it, all five thousand of them, there were twelve basketfuls left over.
So I write. I keep writing. Some days, the breaking, the turning yourself inside out for a cause you believe in hurts. Of course it does. But Love is a choice. And I made that choice when I accepted that calling.
Thank you all for every note, email, text message, and conversation that you have encouraged me with. You are no stranger to me, only a friend I had not yet known till today. I want you to know that for every person who has been touched in some way or another through this space, you have been the reason why their life has been touched too. As much as people have been encouraged and inspired, I have been by you too.
So I keep writing. Because after the people were filled, there were twelve basketfuls leftover. Still.
God's love is enough.
" They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of men who had eaten were five thousand."
- Mark 6: 42-44
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