"Dear Wai Jia,
Based on what I’ve been reading from your blog, you must have had your fair share of being in touch with people with all the problems and depression etc. I guess, I should not be that much of a shock then.
Basically, i attempted suicide by an overdose of drugs… I was rushed to the hospital that evening..."
Thank you for sharing with me all that you’ve been through. The terrible mood swings, aggressive behaviour, sudden bursts of tears, self-hurt and pain, the exasperation with your family and relationships, and the million little pieces inside of you which you’re trying to recollect… I understand.
I understand.
Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I know your language of pain, and the colour of Blackness. I don’t know you, I’ve never even met you. I cannot even try to say I understand fully what you’ve been through. But I want to tell you to hold on, and to be brave.
This is a phase. And it will pass.
The reason why we want to cut the rope, snuff the candle and want all this all to end is because we think the darkness is forever. But friend, I promise you, this is only temporary. It is a passing, a test, a place we walk to and leave from. We choose how long we want to stay in that place, in the centre of that storm. Sometimes we think the darkness will never end. But it will. I promise you, it will.
I know you believe in God because you wrote so and I need you to know God is always there. In the darkness, he is always there. Maybe in the times of extreme emotion, it is as if God is hidden, or evil or just... not there. But He is, I promise you.
Someone once told me that peacock feathers are made from peacocks eating thorns. Sometimes life is like that- It is the harshest things we take in that ultimately contribute to our beauty, and strength. I need you to know there is a reason for all of this happening, need you to know that God never gives us more than we can bear, and most importantly, I need you to know that deep inside of you, you have what it takes to turn this all around, and to find your reason for holding on.
Have you seen the rainbow after the storm.
It took me ten years to walk through it. Ten years of darkness sifting through light, fumbling, stumbling, crying and sometimes walking. Mostly, I never knew who God was. It was only 2 and a half years ago when I did. And when I did, sometimes, I doubted if God cared. I asked him why. All the time I asked Him why, just like how you may do too.
But I am here now. I have arrived. The process is not easy. It can be excruciatingly painful, what with all the counseling and delving into one’s past and childhood trauma, but the paradox is this. The deeper you delve into your pain, the more profound the release and the greater the fulfillment you will experience in your breakthrough. I need you to be brave and walk through this emotional journey with your counsellor, find out where things went wrong, release the emotions, come to a place of forgiveness, acceptance and total breakthrough. I'm so glad you're seeing someone professional who is helping you through this. You have taken the bravest step of all.
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is moving forward in spite of it. It is moving out against your odds and believing in what you used to, God. It is believing that every day, you are learning about the meaning of strength in suffering, resilience in despair.
As long as you believe, all this will come to good someday. The world is so, so huge. There are many people waiting for your recovery and victory, so that after the storm, you can run free in the rain, and help those caught in the onslaught. Someday, you will see how all this will come to work for good, how it will shape you to be the kind of man you always wanted to be, sensitive, understanding, compassionate. I need you to see that one day, this experience will help you reach out to someone who needs help. One day, you will become somebody's hero.
I’m not asking you to be a hero overnight. What I’m asking you to do is to live bravely, one day at a time, spending five, ten minutes each day in quietude, believing that God is with you. I am asking you to use this experience to gain a deeper understanding of your inner man, and to explore his hurts, his strengths and his dreams. It may not seem like much, it may seem like nothing at all, but God is here with you- He really is.
I need you to see there is a reason for all of this, and that a beautiful place awaits ahead of you. You will reach it if you make a daily choice to live bravely, every day. In moments of desperation, profound frustration and wild, crazy madness, I need you to learn how to love yourself, to take a breather, to be strong and reject the alcohol, and to write your emotions out, because God loves you to the moon and back.
I know you can. I have arrived here, and every day, there is nothing more I want to do than to live. You will reach here too. I know you can. Be brave.
I’m here now aren’t I.
Life is never about staying in one place. We are always moving, and I need you to know God doesn't intend to make a house in the place where you're at now.
" My attempt at communicating with you, to put it bluntly, is... I wanna get out of the hole i'm in now and i need a hand which i can relate to for help. Thanks for listening. Hope to hear from you soon."
Thank you for writing. This is God’s hand I’m giving to you. Remember what I said about roads leading to places. Be strong, take courage.
from A Taste of Rainbow
" 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10
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