We dream nonetheless.
We were born to dream.
I’ve always dreamed of being in the thick of the action- stitching wounds underneath a tent, landing on an unknown land with a team of people, travelling places, seeing sights, never knowing what to expect... taking twists and turns, unexpectedly, unpredictably, going on a God-scale adventure, running, flying, fighting, battling, being a part of the epic adventure which takes place not only in real life, but in the very battlefield of one's heart, too.
When you’re discouraged, however, one of the most important things which hit you is how your inadequacy affects you, affects your dreams. It makes you doubt yourself, your abilities. Very often, it makes you feel like a lesser person, someone with something to hide, someone who ought to be ashamed. I often notice patients covering their amputated leg, wound or bandage with a blanket, in fear and shame. Are there parts of you you wish no one would ever find out about, too?
Dreams come in rainbow-colours, and the deep dark voices which echo our inadequacies are like the darkness of the grey skies which taint their techni-coloured hues.
The deep dark voices resounding from within ourselves always threaten to shatter our dreams into a million little pieces. In our darkest moments, it is these voices which threaten to break our hopes, our dreams, our faith in ourselves. They are the voices which keep us tossing and turning at night, that hold our minds hostage and wide awake, capture our hearts as prisoners-of-war, and keep us from dreaming. You can't dream with your eyes wide open, can you?
Being a medical missionary means being able to cope with crises, being able to withstand stress and hardships, being able to be emotionally and mentally strong in spite of loneliness, being able to watch death and listen to grief, being totally independent and yet completely dependent on one's community and wholeheartedly yielded to God. It is my rainbow-coloured dream. Ever so once in a while, however, when grey skies swell with heaviness and evil, dark voices creep up to steal the sunshine-You will never be adequate for this sort of thing. This dream is too big for you. Too big, and too bright.
So one evening, as I tried to confirm my plans for another mission trip overseas during my short vacation, a doctor called me, “Wai Jia, I know a team going up to Sichuan, China to help out in the post-earthquake situation. Has it ever crossed your mind to go there? Nothing stressful happened to you in the past year, I hope?”
I hardly slept a wink that night. Tossing and turning in my bed, deep dark thoughts tormented me. "Nothing stressful happened to you in the past year I hope?" Now, what did that mean? Have my experiences in the past year made me less adequate, less able, less equipped to follow my dreams? Does the arc of my rainbow end in a grey cloud?
Wide awake, a rainbow-coloured dream was locked within the darkened walls of a pulsing heart. Desperate and vexed, I got up to pray.
For the people and rescue teams in China, for the starving children in Burma, for me to listen to what God had to say about this. Many people ask me what God's voice sounds like. How can you hear a voice from someone you can't even see?
You establish a relationship with Him, that's how you know.
When I opened my eyes, I was scared as scared could be. Even when I was in Nepal, just minutes away from bomb blasts near the orphanage, I was never half as scared. When I opened my eyes, and got up from my knees, Fear gripped me like a vice.
For I heard God say to Go, to step out in faith to Go, follow my heart to walk on the rim of a rainbow arc dangling a thousand feet in the air to Go. I froze. There, squatting at the foot of my bed and hugging my knees, I froze in fear.
What do you mean, God. I'm not... adequate. Besides, this is an earthquake, there're still aftershocks...
What would my parents think. What would my doctors say. That I was crazy, irresponsible, or worse... not enough for this?
I dare not tell a soul about that dream that was pulsing from deep within me. Deep dark voices from within smothered my dream like an angry cloud, and suffocated it. Alone in the living room, I would finger the newspapers and read the gruesome, heartwrenching stories of the people of China, and Burma. Eyes wide open, I lay in bed, writhing. On my knees, I finally said- Okay God, if this is really You talking to me, then talk to my parents and doctors and church leaders- because if you're Big enough to prompt me to go to Sichuan on a medical relief trip, I know you're Big enough to make the way there, too.
The following evening, I asked with anxiety, half-dread and trepidation, "Dad, mum. What do you think?"
I nearly died when they said without hesitation, and with much enthusiasm- " Sure! Go, Jia- they really need help there! Isn't this the kind of thing that makes you happy? We'd love for you to go- it's a great opportunity. "
That night, I slept early, but awoke at 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am in the morning. My mind was ticking -Now what would the therapists say?
It scared me that my parents were, for once, so instantly supportive. But it scared me even more to think what the Professional People I'd been seeing would say.
Would they tell me, gravely and resolutely, that I wasn't well enough, wasn't adequate at this point in time for this sort of thing? That it would be too traumatic, too much for someone like myself to take? After all, it is a crisis relief trip. There would be trauma, death, grief, infection, counselling, desperation... All of that.
As I sat in the room with bated breath, tears welled up in my eyes when I heard-
- “Whatever made you think you aren’t well enough to go?" They laughed out loud, "Look at the progress you’ve made! What're you afraid of?"
Pause. "That I won't be... adequate. That I might be... well, you know me... that I might be... too saddened by the situation there... break down, you know," I said in a quiet whisper, and looked away.
" If you’re worried about breaking down there, then well, I’ve got to tell you- which normal person wouldn't!" Miss B laughed out loud. " What’s important now is that you prepare yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Don't be afraid to feel. This is part of who you are, embrace it! In an earthquake relief setting like that, nobody is going to be adequate. "
The Professional People looked at me and smiled, "You've come a long way- you've our full blessings to Go."
They laughed out loud. And I laughed too, albeit nervously, more quietly, not quite believing my ears.
“Every one of those doctors in that team will carry some form of emotional baggage with them. Nobody will be adequate for something on a scale like this, Wai Jia. And I think you’ve been doing well."
And it made me realize, that each and every one of us has a hidden inadequacy, a burden we carry, a voice which tells us how inadequate we are. But what matters the most is how we carry those burdens, or better still, how we release them by confessing our inadequacies, humbly and truthfully to one another. When we do, our burdens are halved, shared, our humility is doubled, and we become more whole, hale, healthy. Humble, too. We all have inadequacies, and while it's one thing to be humble enough to accept it and learn to overcome it, it's also another to learn how to embrace it.
Being emotional means having to tolerate people's disdain sometimes, and one must be humble enough to admit its pitfalls. But it is also what makes one more human, more empathetic, more attractive in certain ways. Inadequacies can be crippling, but they can also be beautiful and advantageous if we embrace them in the right ways.
I wouldn't be half the person I am if you took away that part of me. It has caused me distress, hurt and put in my way many challenges, but it has also opened the hearts of Strangers to me, opened up roads to places where I'd never dreamed I would be, put to flight many a kitesong birthed within my heart, to be the kind of missionary doctor I dream of being.
When we acknowledge our inadequacies, the million little pieces of broken faraway dreams, previously shattered by deep dark voices, join together like colours in a swirling palette.
For those of you struggling with your own dark voices, know that you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that can stand between you and your rainbow-coloured dream if you choose to confront your fears humbly and truthfully. You can choose God and healing if you step out to make that choice- because there are always people out there who wish to help. Know that you have the power not to let it take your dreams away. Know that with faith and God's grace, all things are possible. You are not an inadequacy, not an illness, and it is not a part of you. Rather, it is apart from you, and though it a long and challenging process, you can choose to make that separation.
To my parents, friends, church leaders and many loved ones who have given me their fullest support, Thank you all so much, for your faith in me, my dreams and who I am.
This means so much to me.
This is what my dreams are made of- adventure, God, people and medicine.
Thank you Mum and thank you Dad, for loving me and supporting my dreams. I cannot thank you enough for releasing me to where my heart belongs.
So this is it. If all goes well, I leave for Sichuan with a medical team in less than two weeks. We will be bringing in medical supplies, medical help, providing post-trauma counselling and staying in tents.
Thank you all for walking with me on this journey of darkness and light. Remember the four seasons I talked about? Winter, that season which seemed like it would never end, has finally ended and a New Season has arrived. Delay and waiting are a part of God's dealings. It is always worthwhile to wait on God and for His timing.
Did you know, I saw two half-rainbows in the sky this week. My mother was with me when we saw them.
Winter is ending, and Spring is near. I can finally lay my watering-can down, close my eyes and dream rainbow-coloured dreams by the sinuous roots of a glowing tree trunk, freshly planted in a crater of soil.
New dreams are awakening.
It is a New Season. Spring, oh Spring, is finally here.
Photo by Xi
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves is heard in our land.
- Song of Solomon 2:12
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