Just a few weeks ago, I found myself on my steady steed, clad in my battered armour and going to battle again. I held my trusty sword in one hand and held my flag up in the other, flying high. I was fighting valiantly, or so I thought, and acutely aware of the struggle within me.
God, you there for me? You fighting with me?
I'm learning that those with the strongest of faiths aren't those who don't struggle with doubts, but rather, overcome them and continue to believe even in spite of them. The journey of faith doesn't end at the beginning, and one often finds oneself thrust yet again into the wilderness, but thankful for the strengthening at the passing of every desert.
I was putting one sword thrust ahead of the other when a White dove whispered to me in the thick of the action, "Trust God. Woman, you have to let go and trust God."
To trust, one must first believe that He on the other end exists, and this can take a remarkable amount of faith, depending on how long you've been cruising on the wrong side of the road, or the number of times you find yourself -just- missing the bus.
It frightens me tremendously to think too far into the future. Miss I-can-kill-four-cockroaches-in-one-sitting-without-a-whimper is scared out of her wits as she contemplates the Uncertain unknown, and longs to read the pages written out for all the days of her life. It is frightening for most of us, I think, to wander too far into the unknown. "It drives me crazy, too," a friend confided. "Best recipe for a sleepless, teary night."
I've had a record number of people ask me in the past month whether or not I am in a relationship. And I always very, very politely tell them no, after which I try to change the topic as deftly as possible. There're no pitfalls to this innocent questioning and warm concern of course, except that at the wrong time, it does have the potential to trigger a domino effect of a frightfully formidable barrage of anxious thoughts about The Uncertain Future, as mission work and career path and marriage and family and ministry all collide in a nebulous mess.
The odds are against me, I'm not capable enough for this kind of work, what specialty will I major in, will I be a good missionary doctor, will I Recover before I graduate, which developing country will I be going to, will my life partner ever discover me, what if nobody ever loves me, will I ever be a good wife and mother and doctor, will I ever relapse, I'm afraid to go alone- what about my kids, what if my life calling changes... So you get the idea.
I was fighting so valiantly, or so I thought, until the point I was thrown off my horse and my flag felt out of my hand, when I heard the White dove whsiper to me, "Trust God. Because it is only when you trust that you can Surrender."
Surrender what, and whatever for? I thought.
I lay flat on the ground, my horse took flight, and I winced as I saw his hooves trample over the flag I held with such pride.
My flag representing my identity made me feel proud, victorious. It represented who I was, where I came from. On the ground, I was in shock, and then I realised... that the enemy I was fighting with all my life wasn't evil at all. In fact, they were angels on white chariots, and they weren't on the attack.
For all my anxiety, worry and resistance, I realised that I had been struggling and battling with God Himself.
We struggle, only because we do not trust. I hadn't realised, that for all my talk about God's love for us, I hadn't trusted Him with my Uncertain Future... my future dreams, career path, life partner, mission field, ministry. I had too many doubts about even making it that far.
And I forgot, that the day I found God, I also agreed to be a part of His family, His Good Camp, which means flying His flag, not mine.
So many of us claim to believe and trust in God, and yet unknowingly enter into battles carrying our own flags- our own wills and intentions. We are full of mistrust in a God we can neither see nor hear, to take interest or control over our future lives. These battles always take place in the wilderness. And until we realise it is we who are on the wrong territory, carrying the wrong flag, we continue to be plagued by overwhelming fretfulness.
One night I sat to think about what heaven looked like. They say a rainbow surrounds God's throne- which, I thought to myself, when mixed together, should scientifically give you... White light.
The best flag for me to carry as a citizen of heaven would then be... White, I thought.
A White flag, one of Surrender. How apt, I thought. As a citizen of God's kingdom, shouldn't that be the flag I bear, the colour of a mixed-up rainbow around his throne, one that signifies my surrender to Him?
It's not easy. And I find myself fighting these battles every day.
The same questions crop up, and they threaten to emblazon their own emblems on my White flag. I ask a question other people already know the answer to at the hospital and find myself doubting my abilities. I watch yet another friend get attached and find myself asking God the same questions. I listen to yet another missionary doctor tell me about his life and wonder if I will ever find a female equivalent of a role model, if I will ever make it that far.
Nonetheless, I am finding myself fighting a different sort of battle- not against the army of white chariots, but that of fighting to keep my flag White, pristine.
Only that I realise it isn't quite a fight at all. Because my flag, with all its crests, emblems, colours emblazoned upon it, just like how our worries, anxieties and doubts of life graffiti our minds, turns White, pure White, the moment I release the reins and tumble down my horse, let go of my sword, and simply... Surrender.
And at that moment, nothing else matters. Not yesterday, tomorrow, or the many tomorrows, packed with their unfulfilled dreams, insecurities and concerns. Nothing else matters, and my shoulders no longer feel the burden of my heavy armoured suit bearing down upon my aching shoulders.
My White flag helps me face Today with trust.
And I can live Today again, with ease and thanksgiving, with the breeze caressing my hair and the wind catching the lightness of my White dress.
Indeed, how our greatest Surrender becomes our sweetest Victory.
"Surrender your self to God, with His rest at the heart of your being... And once this is done, the remainder of your life will exhibit nothing but the evidence of this surrender, and you never need to be concerned again with what the future may hold for you. Whatever your circumstances may be, God is totally sufficient."
-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
-Matthew 6:34
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