I see clearly now. What beautiful spring flowers in lush, green fields. And my heart grows stronger.
Questions as we come of age: What does it mean to be a godly woman. What is a gentle and quiet spirit. What does Growing Up mean. God, why do you ask me to stay single till I graduate? How come I feel You continually confirming it. Why is there this longing within. And most importantly... What does being Secure in You mean?
In exactly a month's time, I turn Twenty-two... and I want to know.
One moment, I think I've found the answers to my questions. Then God surprises me with a disatisfaction, a colic in the belly, a turmoil in the heart, and reveals even deeper truths to me, which tell even more about my heart's intent than I ever knew existed. Why the relentless restlessness.
All this while I was looking into the enclosed, darkened room, searching for answers, getting distracted by a thousand suggestions ("Wai Jia, you should 'go out' more, you know, nothing wrong with dating..." ), feeling like they don't understand- when You took me by the arm and gently led me to Your side, so I could see view of the wide, open fields I had been missing all this while.
What beautiful spring flowers in lush, green fields. Spring flowers which would surely die had I tried to plant them in that dusty, darkened room.
With uninvited suggestions from all around, I neither like feeling torn nor confused. And just when I had been searching, seeking, knocking, an angel was sent to affirm me, affirm what I felt You had been telling me all this while:
That Singleness is a gift. That there is such a deep purpose in this time You have asked me to set aside, so I may get to know You with such profound intimacy. That this period is set aside for me to find perfect joy, wholeness and peace in You first, that it may be reflected in that special relationship when it finally comes. That it is a blessing, such a great blessing, to have my mind undistracted by relationships meant for a different season of my life.
That we first know You as a child, then servant, and friend but ultimately there come a time where we must know You as our lover. That it is only when we fill our insecurities and longings with You alone that we shall ever be fulfilled. That You love and adore us so incredibly that I shall never falsely place my worth in any other. That it is this focused clarity giving me such Oneness with You which will end in perfect consummation with You and any other.
That the deeper I go in You, the deeper I can go into any relationship- because marriage is the closest reflection of Your love for us. That You are so intensely jealous of me now that Your heart burns for me to know You more, that this is the season You desire my focused and most intimate conversations with You.
In the past, when I knew You only as a faraway father or king, I never knew what Your hug felt like. Those years when I was ill and battling insomnia too, Ed would sleep in with me and grope, making nights painfully anxious, dreadful. But now I've entered a season where I fall into sleep with Your eyes still watching me, as You lie next to me, waiting. And when I awake, your eyes never left from the point mine left Yours.
" God has given you certain special callings. How else can you fulfill them fully without knowing Him fully?"
There is some beautiful poetry in the bible called the Song of Songs, which taken literally, writes of the deeply sensual relationship between a woman and man, from courtship to consummation. Allegorically, however, it is a representation of the relationship between God and us as husband and wife.
Such is the passion which God burns with for us, and hopes for us to burn with for Him too. Unless we, as women, learn to bring our questions to Him, we will forever bring our insecurities to Adam, who, too, is fallen. And Eve shall never be content, shall forever be wounded, insecure, demanding for more. That hole will never go away.
Oh how my heart faints in weakness, but faints even more so for You.
The more I love You, the more I find myself whole. The more I love You, the more I can love myself, and others, too. And while my loving You neither quenches nor lessens the human desires within, it changes me to understand the profound depths of love I can now experience, and thus experience later on.
And I will not harden my heart and claim superficial independence from this yearning within which comes up with periodic precision... for I am neither Man nor God. I am woman. Instead, I surrender and admit my human vulnerability and feminine weakness. It is universal, after all. This shall only be for a season. And while my heart faints, God, I shall wait, because I know the time will come. And it will be in perfect Time. I would be properly whole, then.
But I take joy in knowing that even in my time of Waiting, I can rejoice that we are looking through an open window, from the right side. I can rejoice in the certainty that this season has a Purpose. I can rejoice without feeling torn nor confused that I'm not taking advice to go out, because I have heard You speak clearly to me, time and again. (Isn't it such a waste of time to do things at the wrong season? Like making spring blossoms grow in winter. Planting daisies in a darkened room.)
So I look at the lush, green fields, its ready harvest, and watch Your flowers grow in season, and with You by me, I feel my heart grow stronger.
" O daughters of Jeruselem, I charge you-
if you find my Lover,
what will you tell Him?
Tell Him I am faint with love."
- Song of Songs 5:8
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