I was overwhelmed. This was no ordinary person saying those words, and no ordinary audience to me. This was my senior pastor, the man whom I hold in deep respect and awe, and the people I loved, the people in my precious White Place, the uncles and aunties and brothers and sisters who've encouraged and loved me generously even if they couldn't remember my name. And as my senior pastor introduced Kitesong to the church and shared with them its Cause, I tried very hard not to cry in front of what must have been more than a thousand people.
A year ago, I would have swelled with arrogance and false humility. But now, with God having broken and chastened me in His tough love, I have learnt, that this all is His grace and love to me, and it is my privilege, not my right, to be used in such an undeserving and exciting way. God knows His timing best.
There were four of us at the front. The other three writers were a pastor, a homemaker and a lady working in the media ministry.
"Church, pray with me. Today we will pray for the writers of our church." And as the entire congregation of people started to pray, their hearts bursting with that love which ushered me into this Place in the first place, I felt God's presence swell and billow in the sanctuary like a huge balloon, with tears welling up behind my eyes. "God, please bless these children of yours with an anointing to write, that they may use Your gifts diligently, and write even more books to honour You in time to come. Church, let's honour these people today."
Honour. That was Pastor Yang's topic for Sunday. And as the word left his mouth, I saw a crown flash before my eyes as I remembered the lady who, a few months ago, said she 'saw' a crown upon my head. Her vision came true. For at that moment, Recovered, affirmed and deeply encouraged by the undeserved honour so generously lavished upon me, I truly did feel like my kingdom had been Restored to me.
My mind is clear now. No longer bound in depression or sin, I can think. Write. Paint, again.
After both services, some lovely people came up to make donations and purchases of the book and DVD. One elderly woman whom I'd never met came up to me to ask if she could pray for me. "God, I see so many tears in this young woman's life, and I pray You always let her know how precious each tear is to You..." I wasn't even crying then. When I opened my eyes though, hers were filled with tears streaming down her wrinkled cheeks.
It was a Special Sunday- the first since I was officially declared Restored, and it coincided perfectly with my pastor's decision to honour the people whom he felt needed to be encouraged. "God, please bless these children of yours with inspiration to write for Your glory."
I want to write again. I want to buy Paper and a new watercolor paint set. I want to sit on a train to nowhere with a cup of rosehip and hibiscus tea and paint the bleeding sunset. And I want to always remember, that Inspiration comes from God always, that every book must have a Cause, that the day I sell myself to write for money or fame, will be the day that all my Inspiration dies. Oh God, help my frailty.
A few Stories have been brewing in my head. But this time, I just want to wait on God, and allow Him to open the doors for me, the way He did with Kitesong, instead of plunging headfirst into a flurry of mindless activity. Lately, an opportunity presented itself- someone wanted to sponsor a children's book commercially- but I told them I couldn't do it unless there was a Cause behind it. Ironic how when Kitesong was launched and I realised it wouldn't be in commercial bookstores, I was, to be honest, a little disappointed. But now, with such an attractive offer staring at me back in the face, I had to consider it precisely because it was for commercial, not charitable reasons. How amazing God is, that His love makes us grow into maturity.
This time, I want to surrender my gifts and wait on God.
Amazing how in the same week, The Professional People told me without my asking Them, "We haven't forgotten your second book A Taste of Rainbow, you know. It may very well happen, but we're planning for say... 2011."
2011. The year I graduate. The year my life would prove my full relapse-free recovery. The year my father had said before would be a good year to have A Taste of Rainbow published- I'd be a doctor by then.
No two books will ever be the same. And there shall be no point in comparing the following with Kitesong- for what matters, is what God wants to do with them, with me, with my hands.
God, all inspiration and providence comes from You. Will you take these hands of mine, and use them. I want to Write and Paint for You.
"Pour Your Spirit over me,
Let Your love rain down.
Would You take these hands of mine,
Would You take these hands of mine,
And use me.
Would You take these feet of mine,
And lead me
To the poor, the needy and the weak,
That's where You are."
-Spirit of the Sovereign Lord
by Vineyard
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