In Pencil.

All through my life, even until junior college, I remember I always favoured writing in pencil more than in pen. The artist in me simply liked it more. I could erase, shade, sketch. Pens were downright boring to me. It was only when I entered medical school that things changed, and writing in pen became a good habit to keep, because a doctor ought to write in permanent ink inside his patients' casenotes.

Do you prefer writing in pen or pencil?

Some years ago, when I first visited Dr Tan Lai Yong in China by myself, I was taken aback.

What will the programme be like? What will I do? What kind of people will I serve? Where will I stay? What is the food like?

I had a truckful of questions to ask, legitimate ones at that, to which he replied to all of them, "Just come."

So I did. And I spent the first day walking around the city by myself, drinking tea, doing nothing much. Some days were busy. Others, not. Yet, it was one of the most fulfilling trips I had ever made.

I didn't realise that this was part of his way of showing us what life with God and missions is like-unpredictable.

On Thursday night, as Dr. Lai Yong shared with us his heart on how to use our professions as doctors to transform communities cross-culturally, he said, "You need to remember 2 things: one, learn to lose control. Plan all you want, but do so... in pencil.

And two, be curious. It helps."

I suppose, a lot of things in life cannot be controlled, and if we try to, we might just go insane. In the same way, A Taste of Rainbow could not be hurried because God had His timing. I cannot try to hurry Him.

A lot of people have expressed how surprised they are at how well I am taking my injury. The truth is, I am too. Deep down, I know this is a supernatural peace unfamiliar to my wilful self. A fair number of jabs into my inner thigh and many strange manouvres later, the physiotherapist said to me yesterday that I am still unable to run or take my bike out- apparently, I severed a fair number of muscles and suffered a Grade 2 injury. I am surprised by how happy I am to rest, because I am learning so many lessons along the way. The minute I let go and surrendered control instead of holding on to all my personal dreams and hopes of wanting to achieve this and that, to do this race and that, life became so much more enjoyable, and it became easy to learn, to rest, to enjoy. It's quite nice not to have sore muscles all the time.

A lot of missionaries drop out because they stop enjoying the journey. A lot of people end up giving up because they can't let go.

Do you write your plans in pen or in pencil?

This is a crossroad season of my life. Many transitions are happening, and I am learning to give God the eraser so I can keep rewriting as He sends angels to tell me my next step. These past few months of interning in the specialties I thought I was interested to pursue made me change my mind about many things- I'm not sure if I'd like to be an obstetrician for the rest of my life, or do eye surgery forever. I'm wondering if Public Health ought to be a bigger part of my life. Because of the great overhaul in the medical education system, we have to decide soon what we'd like to specialise in, even though we are only but big kids floundering around in this vast, vast world called medicine. My mind keeps shifting. I like this, but it's bad for my family; I don't like this as much, but it has this; I wonder what life would be like in this specialty...

I'm not sure where to go during my next 2-week break in June- I have too many options. I don't know if I should sign up for bible class. I'm not sure I should go ahead with another project I have in mind. I am contemplating not doing any more triathlons or the marathon I had planned, simply because I have found great joy outside the race ring, too.

Options.

Someday, I'd like to be the kind of doctor Dr. Lai Yong is today- dynamic, adaptable and altogether effective in his ministry to serve both the poor and the rich, to impact both developing and developed communities.

And I suppose, the first step I can take, is to keep writing in pencil. Unless it's in a patient's casenotes.

"Write your plans in pencil and let God have the eraser."

-Erwin Lutzer