On my own.

I went to watch an adult beginners' ballet class today. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but later saw how it was instead, a breakthrough in many ways.

For years, I had wanted to learn ballet, but never had the guts to pick it up. Besides, God said no. I had picked up and quit dance many times, because there always came a point where I wasn't comfortable with something. Dance class can a breeding ground for idolatry, pride and lewdness. Most of all, I wasn't comfortable with my body.

Today, I went to watch. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but later saw how it was instead, a breakthrough in many ways. I thought it was a mistake because when I left, my heart was heavy- I knew that my injury made it impossible to dance.

But it was a breakthrough, because I sat through the entire class and saw how much I truly enjoyed ballet for what it is. I'm not afraid of my body anymore. It's not perfect, but I've never been more comfortable in my own skin. I also learnt, that my fracture site still hurt because I had not yet learnt my lesson for this season.

After church today, I sat by myself, very quietly and very solemnly, feeling the pain at my fracture site. It was there, smarting. Today, we learnt about how our self-sufficiency and wealth grieves God, how it is the broken and contrite, and not the powerful and proud who know God's love. When Pastor talked about this today, I knew he was talking about me.

For weeks, God had taught me the hard way, to learn to rest and be secure in being, not doing. But impatience got the better of me, and I was soon doing too many things again. Even in resting, there was pride. There was the pride of saying, "See God, I can rest. See God, I am learning my lesson. I can recover."

Did you know, that we can be proud, even of not being proud. What does it take for us to realise that truly, without God, we just can't make it on our own.

I had to learn things the hard way.

"I'm sorry, but I would advise you not to even think about learning ballet until you are totally fit. Ballet is very unforgiving, and I would rather you spend 1 or 2 years doing pilates and strengthening your core. Come back then, and I know it'll really be helpful for you."

As I walked out of the class, I thought about how working on our core muscles are like exercising and building our spiritual core too. All this while, I had been overworking my body with a weak core. It was a striking parallel to how I often do much for God, running about and serving Him, without actually taking enough time to sit and pray, sit and read the bible, sit and just, be.

Uncle Y spoke to me over the phone, "I know it's not easy for you, Wai Jia. But don't be foolish. God is teaching you patience. I promise, you'll be fine in 4 to 6 weeks from now if you wait it out. Meanwhile, build your core strength. And when you go back to the sport, you'll be much stronger. I promise you. Just do me a favour and stop biking for now."

I hate doing core exercises. I never did them. I would rather do a painfully long run than do 10 crunches. In the same way, I suppose it's a lot easier for most of us to be running around doing things than sitting down to pray, to journal or to sit at God's feet.

Work on your core strength. You mean, work on sitting still and reading God's word, work on being patient and feeding on spiritual food?

"Yes."

"That's gonna be hard, Uncle." Tears were all over my face. I had been stupid, I have not been resting as much as I should have.

"Wai Jia, may I share this with you. When our domestic helper left us a month ago, we were so proud of ourselves. My family was so proud that we could cook, clean, and take care of all our household chores with such efficiency. Our meals were healthier, our clothes cleaner, our home neater than they have ever been. And you know what? Our new maid never came, problems kept cropping up at the agency. But today's sermon really struck us, that we have been too self-sufficient. And it was only when we surrendered and told God we couldn't do it on our own, that we received phonecalls regarding our new helper this afternoon, after not hearing any news for a long time."

I suppose, we just need to let go. Let go and say, God, I can't make it on my own.

I am learning, I can't make it on my own. Of late, many things have failed to come to pass and I have been discouraged. But I am learning, that it takes patience and trust, humility and a sense of surrender to realise that there is nothing I can do well without God. I have tried, and failed. I have run around and injured myself, simply because my core, physical and spiritual, has been weak. I am learning, that sometimes God allows things to happen so we can focus on what's important, focus on improving our core strength, so that when we get back to life, we can be stronger, wiser and more steadfast.

"You won't be too old to start ballet when you've recovered, trust me," said the teacher. "It's not like you're training to become professional, anyway. Meanwhile, just work on your core strength. It'll do you wonders. And I'll see you when you're all recovered."

So there, I'll make a commitment today. To study the book of Isaiah in the bible, to put my bike away for the next one month, and to make some effort instead, to be still and strengthen my core, physically and spiritually.

And most importantly, to say, God, I can't make it on my own. I need you.

"Remember therefore from where you have fallen;

repent and do the first works,

or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—

unless you repent."

-Rev 2:5

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

-Psalm 42:11