Thorn.

It has been hurting. And the pain has worsened. It hurts while sitting down or walking.

"The pelvic stress fracture is a relatively rare sports injury, but common among elite female athletes." (Not that I am elite in any way.)

I realise, just how easy it is to sink into self-pity and call a pity party. One tends to become discouraged as one finds out more about one's injury. It was only as I read more that I learnt, that having a history of being amenorrheic is a definite risk factor for these sort of fractures. In my case, I had been so during the course of anorexia, and I hadn't realised how it had ravaged my body. It made me understand how what we do has consequences, has some bearing on our future, and it makes me marvel, in both awe and disappointment, at how our failings and foibles, can return to haunt us. I now know, that those years ate my body and chewed on my bones, and it will take many me more years before all my bones will be strong again.

I am disappointed, but I remember-

-that EZ lost one leg to cancer and is still handcycling, that Fungus lost all movement and sensation from his stomach downwards and is still living strong, that E has relapsing nephrotic syndrome where he keeps becoming swollen and his mother remains faithful and hopeful, strong and patient.

So what's a pelvic stress fracture? So what if I can't run, or bike? I can still walk, swim slowly; I can still sing, still see, still paint, still write, still sit and read God's word. Why should I grieve?

So what if I found out that it takes more than a year and a half to heal, and that it may be more than a year before I run or bike again. So what.

After all, in some way, I did ask for it. During that period of training, I asked God every day to help me cling loosely to all my possessions, to help me to walk closely to Him. I suppose, as the sport started to take more of my time and me away, He used this fracture to answer my prayers in every way. Now, I cling loose; now, I walk close.

But I don't want to pretend I am on top of it all. Today was hard. Today, after reading material and studies about the causes and course of this injury, about how it could take more than a year to run or bike again, about how a history of disordered nutrition and amenorrhea are definite risk factors for the injury, was hard. Today, it was hard to convince myself to continue with physiotherapy because I've become discouraged. I love to run. I love to bike. But I suppose, God is asking me, if I love them more than I love Him. I suppose, we often fail to realise, how our sin, failings and foibles sometimes have consequences we wish we needn't bear.

The thorn in our flesh.

But there's no use crying, is there. There's no use crying over a thorn, which for better reasons, has been left in our flesh. Do you have a thorn in your flesh, too? Something God will not remove? Take heart, for His love and grace shall be sufficient. Some days, like today, are hard, but He is enough, God will be enough.

Perhaps, the most important thing I've learnt, is that no matter what happens, we can always be sure, that as long we trust that God has the best for us, no setback or challenge, hurdle or mountain will be too hard to handle.

God's grace is always enough. I need you, God.

And Life, even without running or biking or feeling my face in the wind that He has made, or doing what I love most, must go on.

You'll be enough for me.

" ... do not be despise the chastening of God,

Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;

For whom God loves He chastens..."

- Hebrews 12:5-6a

"... a thorn in my flesh was given to me...

lest I be exalted above measure.

Concerning this thing I pleaded with God 3 times

that it might depart from me.

And He said to me,

'My grace is sufficient for you,

for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities,

that the power of God may rest on me."

- 2 Cor 12:7-9