Wind and Mercy. (edited)

"He's messing with me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he's doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Doing what he's used to doing. Messing with me. Playing with my head, taking things away. I'm angry. And I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared that he'll take things away... again. I realise today that he pulled a fast one on me again. I thought I had it, now it's gone. I've been losing things... A lot of things that were supposed to happen this season, aren't happening. A lot of things are at standstill, put on hold, haven't heard from my publisher/my professor etc about a number of things important to me for some time, kinda feel my recovery has plateaued and my injury isn't getting better anymore, I'm losing my body and having to adapt to and accept it all over again, I've so many thoughts about residency and feelings about it to process, and today, this. I don't know what's happening. Maybe he's teaching me patience and trust... and that, without him, I'm really completely... nothing."


"Jia, don't be discouraged. Remember if God wants you there, He will surely open the door. I know you're going through quite a bit, praying God will lift your spirits with fresh Hope and trust in Him."

Last Saturday I couldn't sleep till 3am. Like a tree in a hurricane, I wondered just which gale it would take to break me, once and for all. I've lost so many things this season, what next? In my moment of weakness I asked you many questions. But when I finally awoke, bleary eyed but heavy-hearted and dragged my iron-feet to church, and willed myself to be joyful for the new morning, something I saw as I crossed the road outside my home to the taxi stand reminded me again of Your faithfulness and love.



Times like these, I just want to close my eyes and believe this hurricane is not for naught. If you can remember how much a silly umbrella means to me, surely you know what this means to me?

I need sleep, God. I surrender.

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy,

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

and I realize just how beautiful You are

and how great your affections are for me.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean we're all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us, oh, how He loves us.

-How He Loves by John Mark McMillan